the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
