I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize