Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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