brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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