I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
