I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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