I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
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