Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
