I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
