you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
