I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
