the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize