My friends, they love my intelligence
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
