Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
