So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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