she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
