Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
