k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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