He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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