check it out our google latitudes are spooning
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Randomize
