I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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