I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
