i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Randomize
