it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize