Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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