Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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