Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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