Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
me + whiskey = a bad person
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
