I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
