i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Randomize
