I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Randomize
