My liver just broke up with me...
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
