He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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