I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
