I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
they need to just BURY HIM!
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
