I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
