Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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