he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
