she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
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