i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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