Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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