i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
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