Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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