dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I have aggressive nipples.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
