Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
