I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
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