i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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