I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
