the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
