The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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