i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
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