My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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