i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
