Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Found the puke drawer
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
