i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
only you would photoshop your dick
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
