sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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