why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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