Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
do nipples grow back?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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