You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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