my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
two words: eviction party
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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